Hysterical Tit-tery!

It was yet again I sat in the car crying after a hospital appointment, but this time it wasn't for joy! It was fear, frustration, anger, more fear! My future was unknown now! I had no path ahead that I was sure about anymore. I was really scared I wouldn't see my son grow up.  My sister's friend Diana had just got through her chemo and was in remission for her breast cancer. She was the only young person I knew who had it.  I hoped to talk to her about it to help me understand its impact.  First I had to tell my husband and plan Christmas presents! I had no idea what the future held but I was afraid I wouldn't be well enough to shop for presents or even be around! I worry excessively! I took after my gran that way.  And I always thought I'd live a long healthy life like she did! There wasn't any cancer in the family that I could remember [although I had always had a memory of my father showing my mum a photo of his mother's wound on her chest. And my mum saying to him that looks like cancer. But she lived till she was old so no one gave it a second thought]. So why me?? You start going over all the things you think caused this to no avail.  That fact was I had it and I had no idea what caused it! I was fit, healthy, ate fine, and loved my job. I had a great boss and apart from normal ups and downs of life I was happy! Now I had my happy rug ripped out from under my feet and I was lost!

When I arrived home Andrew came out to ask if I got on OK - he went white when I said it's cancer! He ran down stairs and we held each other crying for a while! I explained what happened and how little I knew.  I had to go to the taster session and Andrew encouraged me to go. It gave him space to digest this news too.  I went out and for a few hours I forgot. Then on the way home that sick feeling comes back when you remember the shadow that now hangs over you.  When I got home Andrew had been surfing the net and had looked up stats and treatments and was well prepared for the future where I didn't have the strength to do that! Part of me didn't want to know. Part of me just wanted fixed! And I was grateful for Andrew taking the lead and staying on top of it for me.

Life went on trying to forget about it but knowing it was there.  I went back to the hospital to find out the results and get the ultrasound.  The US showed a 1.5cm tumour.  I was told I would have a lumpectomy and I shouldn't need chemo or radio. I was told they couldn't tell me much more until surgery and the biopsy.  I said I wanted adjuvant chemo as I wanted all the weapons in the weaponry they could throw at me. I was told I wouldn't need it for a tumour that size.  I wasn't happy.  I had looked at the literature and I was convinced adjuvant therapy was something I should have.  He then said I would have to wait 2 weeks for the surgery as he was off on holiday. I said could someone else not do it. I was told there was no one else sooner. He then proceeded to reassure me that waiting would be fine. He had another patient just like me off to New York for a month before her surgery! I was enraged! I said she is nothing like me! I am a worrier. I will be worrying that this cancer is spreading until you take it out. I pleaded for him to do it sooner. But there was nothing he could do. We left deflated. No further forward. An MRI booked for the following week [the Monday] and I felt totally out of control.

This was the hardest part for me. No control over your life or treatment. I went home depressed. Andrew said he thought he might have insurance for private from his work and that it may cover this. So we phoned immediately when we got home and to our delight we were covered! This was the Friday now a week from diagnosis on the Thursday past. I had an appointment with a surgeon on the Tuesday.  Mike was great!  He said absolutely I would get chemo and radio and everything he could give me. He pulled the MRI files and this showed a 2.5cm tumour! I was scheduled for surgery in 2 days time! By Friday I was home and tumour removed!! If left to NHS I would have just been getting my surgery [a basket case by then too] when I was starting chemo in private care! The pathology showed I had triple negative ductal invasive. A sentinel node biopsy showed no spread although 11 nodes were removed.

And that was me on the road to recovery. A slow road but to me it was the beginning of the end of this cancer!!

Historical Tit-tery

The year 2005 started off really well for me. Having managed 1hr 43m half marathon I had a guaranteed place for New York Marathon in November and was looking to aim for a sub 4 hour! In May 2005 I ran a stormer in a hilly 22 mile road race from Edinburgh to North Berwick in 3 hrs 13 mins!  The year had being going well then I got notification that the abdominoplasty referral that I had been waiting on from the NHS appointment came up.   My son was 8lbs 10oz when he was born by caesarian, but before he entered the world his huge size in my tiny body tore my abdominus rectus apart.  A normal protective mechanism for most people but after 3 years of karate and a stomach muscle as think as a phone book the tear left me with a gap the size of a fist that never closed.  This left me with back pain that would have been disabling if it wasn't for the running!  In face many a morning I would roll out of bed onto my knees on the floor and use the bed as leverage to get into a standing position. I would then hold onto the walls to get to the kitchen. By the time I had made breakfast I could then walk without pain. I'd then go a long run and be fine. But the constant back pain was always there.

At the referral I was told the back pain was most definitely caused by the split muscles as this left me without that corseted support these muscles give the back. She had never seen a gap so big! I was told I could come in for surgery the very next week!! I cried with joy in the car on the way home.  To have no back pain [and get the unsightly apron of overstretched skin above my caesarian scar] removed was most welcoming. Major surgery it might be but it would be worth it.  

It was the 17th May 2005 when I heard on the taxi radio on the way to hospital admission that Kylie had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  This was a shock. I had always been a fan of Kylie and loved her music [in fact only the previous year for my 40th birthday I dressed up as her and sang "Can't get you out of my head" at my karaoke birthday party] so was upset to hear this. My worries were soon replaced by my own natural presurgery concerns.  Right up to the last moment they keep asking if I really want to go through with this elective surgery. Of course I did! I had been waiting 9 years for this! 

40th Birthday Karaoke!

The surgery went well. I was out of hospital in 3 days [bloody drains]. By the end of the week I could walk to the end of the road. By 2 weeks I could walk a mile daily. I was on the mend. I had a bit of my would that just wouldn't close.  It was still open in July when I went to France on holiday! MRSA. I was on antibiotics that made me feel really sick. I mentioned at the time too, this must be what it is like on chemo [why I though that I never know!]! Eventually with the antibiotics the wound closed and I was able to run again! I had a Marathon to prepare for!! 

In August, in the shower, I found a breast lump! I have very cystic breasts and would often get lumps, often painful that would get bigger and smaller according to my menstrual cycle.  This one wasn't sore and didn't change in size.  I waited a month before going to the GP.  She asked how long I had it and said she really didn't like the feel of it. I wasn't worried. I thought it was just an old cyst that had probably calcified. 

I only had to wait a week when the appointment came for the breast drop in clinic. I would know that day. I was sure it would be completely fine! Mammogram came back all clear! I knew it would!! They then said it looked fine. I had lots of old cysts and this was just another. Did I want it drained? NORMALLY a question like that would have me running out the door with a no thanks! I am one of those type of people that likes to avoid pain. Or put it off till I have worked myself into a tizzy over it! So why I said YES please that day I don't know!! That decision was the first thing that saved my life that day!!!

So next came the aspiration. Some local anaesthetic which I asked how long would it be before it wore off as I had a pole dance taster class to try tonight and I wanted to be able to still go with my numb boob!  She said it would be fine and just take some painkillers.  During the aspiration she tried to find the lump which i had to show her where it was. It was a strange lump. I had to hang forward to feel it so I had no doubt she was looking for a needle in a haystack trying to aspirate it!! Why even bother without ultrasound!! She poked away at it and said, "There you go, all done!" Was it fuck!! Did she think I was daft? There was nothing in the syringe at all. It was empty!! I said pretending to feel it "No it is still there, still the same size!" She wasn't happy I was calling her out on it and went and got the consultant.  She came in and had a feel and said "core biopsy!" Lovely! So that was next. The consultant herself did it. Once done I was told to go sit in waiting room as results wouldn't be long.  I sat for about 40mins. I watched folk come and go with smiles or crying or being held up by their family in hysterics.  I couldn't imagine what they were feeling.  I thought of Kylie and wondered if that's how she felt. I'd read about her family being there to support her. I followed her progress on the news wishing her well.  

They called me in. I knew as soon as I entered the office it was cancer! There were 3 of them there! The consultant, the breast nurse and another nurse. I was sat down. I said so it's cancer then! They asked if I wanted to phone for a member of my family. I said no I just wanted to know everything! Was it bad? What kind of cancer was it? How big is it? Will i live? Will I be alive for Christmas? Will I get chemo? Yes I was all questions - none of which they could answer! Except to say it was cancer! I was to come back the following week when they would know a bit more and I was to go for an US and MRI.  The mammo hadn't shown up the cancer so they were unsure about the size of it. And therefore unsure of the treatment!! I am NOT a patient patient!! I wanted answers now not next week. I wanted treatment to start immediately!  I wanted this cancer out of my body!

More to follow...